I never knew poly could be this way and that it could also challenge all my flaws. I have an inherent ugliness inside of me that I have been slowly battling. I want to be a more loving, caring person. Less judgmental, less hateful. I’ve been challenging those toxic thoughts that out me at odds with others. I have been asking myself those hard questions but even gaining a greater understanding doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening. I try to check them, I try to redirect them, I try to challenge them. Do good people not have these thoughts? And by consequence am I not a good person? Is it idealistic to even try and be better?
He chose me,I chose him and I choose her too but he didn’t choose her.
Part of me felt a small prick of happiness, like mean happiness that I don’t have to share him. But the greater part of me feels sadness and guilt. Sadness that he won’t even get to know her before making that decision, sadness that I know she likes him and harbored hopes of all of us dating, sadness that I encouraged her to try her pursuit and that it failed.
I feel guilty that it will be just me in this bubble of happiness with him because he is so much of what I love. I feel guilty that it won’t be all three of us. I feel guilty like I stole her boyfriend even though I know that isn’t true.
How do I hold all these feelings of excitement, falling for someone new, hope for our future, concerns for my future wife and the above mentioned guilt. It’s a lot and it’s complex.
I know I will only grow from this but right now is a hard part.
Nena
A few hours later:
How is it possible to be surrounded by not only one but two incredibly supportive, emotional intelligent, brave humans who both care for me in deep, unwavering ways!?
I feel so overwhelmed with all of this love.
Nena
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