The Beast Within

 

Its been so long I don't even know if I remember how to do this. My heart is full, full of hurt, full of sadness, full of wishing and yearning. Has it ever changed? I have built this play in my head, a perfect story of a silly girl that grows out of poverty, of trauma, of sadness into this butterfly that lives a perfect life. A fairytale where death doesn't touch her, where there are only perfect rainbows and warm sun rays freckling her shoulders. I hate how this past follows me around, how it seems I can never escape this feeling that I will always be this sad girl wishing for a brighter future. It is the same story looping in on itself. The horrors of my childhood only tempered by the hope of a warm place of love that is never sharp. A soft hazy dream where I am loved and safe in my parents arms while they smile down on me. I told myself college would be that escape when I never went home. I told myself that with education I would be able to rise above this. That somehow if I lifted the naivety that I could obtain that soft light for surly it was stupidity and poverty that caused all the pain. And then again with Ryn. If I am just the wife I wish to have, if I project the light that I so desperately seek that somehow it will envelope me instead of creating a void. And now with Her. I taste the sweet salvation of Her love and I somehow think the horrid past can be no more. How stupid! How stupid and naive! How childish! there is no growth, no lesson learned. The world is ugly, it is cruel, it a place where children suffer for their parents, it is a place where that suffering causes horrid wounds that never seem to heal. Time is irrelevant, it doesn't heal this, no amount of space between me and it will distance me from it. I keep thinking that it is somehow separate from me but it isn't. Is this ugly past me? Is it who I will always be? Will I never recover? Is there no recovering? Is it not a sickness? 

Will I never be free? 

I gasp for it, a drowning wretch wishing to be free of it all. I don't want to be the person people pity. I don't want to be rejected once again because those who brought me to this horrible world couldn't even love me. 

How I wish to strip this feeling for me. To burn it from my flesh to cut it out until it is no longer existing. I want to never have my children know.   I wish She didn't know. I wish I could live as though it never was. 

Dont I deserve to live free from it? 

Nena