A small step to reclaim myself

I am officially depressed. I feel it weighing on me every day when I wake up for work. I feel it sitting heavy on my shoulders as I interact with K. Even as happy as she makes me, as perfect and sun-filled our days together are I can still feel its ugly face staring at me from a dark corner of my mind.I cant keep ignoring it and pretending that it will go away.

 This weekend was our six month anniversary. The day was perfect and sunny and warm. The first day we both felt warm enough to shed our winter jackets and dawn our summer crop tops and skirts. Each leaf blazing with new green, the sun hot and inviting on our backs and shoulders. We lazed in a plush picnic, the earth's damp seeping through our blankets. Our stomachs were full of warm fruit and cheese, our lips sticky with the juice of overly ripe plums, pineapple and strawberries. She tasted sweet and warm, like honey, our lips sticking ever so slightly when we parted. Serenaded to the rustle of the leaves, the children laughing and screaming, ducks and birds all tuned to the cascade of the fountain's crash upon the lakes surface, we talked, my head resting on her side, her body pressed close to mine. I wish to forever live in that crystal memory. I want to watch her, a perfect silent film, toss the kite into the still air and will a breeze to catch its trailing tail. The universe listens to her wishes, I don't know if its luck, or the universe just simply acknowledges that she is special. Sometimes I find myself amazed and sometimes I find myself in envy. Her life, it is meant to be touched by light. I can only hope to gather her warmth into my arms and hope that by having her near, it is enough to keep the darkness that seems to follow me, away. The old me would have used this warmth and struggled to keep her always near, but I know that isn't the answer. I know that I have to face this head on. At the very least I can acknowledge the beast that has been following me. I am here to name it so that I can take back some of the power it is taking from me.

I am struggling with depression and that is okay.

Nena