Unmasking my Knighthood

For as long as I can remember I have been a strong willed, if not downright stubborn type of person. Growing up in foster care and then leaving, suddenly, at eighteen to be, what felt like at last, my own person I denied with all the anger and power inside me that those horrible years never effected me. I thought myself superior, different then my peers because they were rowdy, disrespectful annoying teenagers who were of limited intelligence.  I was the girl everyone said was "wise beyond my years" I was the intelligent, head strong, opinionated, sharp witted, creative soul, tortured and dying because I was forced to mix with so many others so unlike me. Now, four years after that dark time in my life I can finally admit to myself, in a very small inner voice, that maybe, just maybe those years lacking love, stimulation, and connection have effected the person I am today and the decisions I make that lead me on the path I am currently treading.

I have been everything but steadfast in the last four years. I ache for commitment and yet I run away in the name of positive change, waving my banner, exclaiming my war cry and saying this war I wage on my life is in the name of self improvement, in the name of daring courage to pursue happiness, to face that which so many before me fear. I claim my knighthood and exalt myself above the cowering masses because I am strong!

It inst until most recently have I had the perspective to think that maybe it is not happiness that I pursue so fearlessly but it is stagnation that I run from, cowering and quaking in my imagined armor.  I run without looking behind not because I am fearless but because to look upon the face of what I fear will undo me.

I have this beautiful imagined dream floating in pastel colors above my head, this desire that I claim burns deep into my core, but I am learning that in my current state will never be actualized. How can I claim to want such steadfast morals and stability for my still imagined children if I, the pillar of those precious souls, lack the conviction to make such heartfelt musing a reality?

Now is the time to dawn true armor and turn to face that which I have run from so long. This dragon that is created by the darkness of my childhood. It is time to learn how to work though my unhappiness instead of running from it. I have learned one simple lesson, it has taken 22 years but it is now mine to treasure and wear about my neck, happiness is a work in progress, it is something you strive for every moment, it is a state of being that is rewarded to those that go about fighting for it with a true and open heart. Happiness starts with a seed but without love and careful tending this beautiful seed will never grow to fruition, all that beautiful pending potential will remain trapped within its hard exterior.

Here I am finally tending my garden.

Nena