Time Does Not Equate Change

Everything is started to weigh on me. This, moving out to Arizona is not what I had hoped it would be. I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I felt that some part of me would change, that with this move to a place where I knew nothing, and no one knew me that i would somehow become a different person. A.F isn't who I though she was going to be. We are not who I thought we were going to be. I am not even sure if she is happy with me. She says that relationships are new to her and that is the reason for her hesitation. I wasn't looking for hesitation, I was looking for love, that passionate love that always goes back to M.D. This is so confusing, I cant  read her mood changes. From one moment to the next she is loving and cold in turns that are too swift for em to detect when the change is approaching. I cant deal with moodiness. I know that people are complex creatures that for the most part are ruled by the ever changing tide of emotions and yet I cannot translate this knowledge into understanding. I have such strange expectations, I want her to be consumed with me, I want her to worship the ground I walk on and shout from rooftops that she loves me, I want her to happy and strong. I place all these unrealistic demands on my partner, leaving no room for anything other then the great meeting of my overbearing expectations. I am disappointing myself. i am still no better a person then I was when I was with M.D I am still a clingy, overly sensitive, emotional wreck. I am feeling lost and depressed in a foreign cage of my own making.

I disgust myself.

Nena