Goodbye

As the time draws closer I find that my resolve is waning. I know that I love the idea of her more then I love her but I can not fight the sinking feeling I get when I think about tonight.  Our relationship is a mess, she doesn't love or accept me for who I am and how I come, she puts me down, and constantly tells me how much I need to change. She is hard hearted and uncaring. She cannot forgive easily and she is incredibly stubborn. I am resentful, sad, and angry. We tasted a sweet nectar called love and thought that it would fill us, satiate the aches and pains we have experienced by the wear and tear of everyday life  but we forgot to consider who and what we are. I am not a woman who was meant to bow down. I am not subservient nor do I relish being placed in such a position. I was told everyday that I was to cater to her, to her family, to adjust and connect and yet no attempt was made to understand where I was coming from or how I thought. My mistakes were considered unforgivable, counted and measured to be listed in a roll call on some given day of reasoning.  I cannot and will not be the person she is asking and demanding me to be. I will not be threatened with the potential end of her love, with the threat of being cast from grace if I do not toe the line. I want someone who wants to be with me without modifiers. There cannot be any footnotes to the phrase "I love you" . This is not a game, this is life. If you love me then love me and support me, if you think something needs to change then bring your concerns, support me.  There is no talking to you, you don't listen and then I find later that you loathed to hear my thoughts and loathed the tears that gather in your presence. I have never cried so much in such a short amount of time. You are not soft nor yielding, I cannot be with someone who has no room for compromise and who uses their love like a dirty sock filled with rocks. Love is not a weapon. My love for you has died and I will not stay with you out of loneliness, or some misguided belief that you will change, the end has arrived and it is only with words that I acknowledge what has already so painfully filled the spaces between you and me.

Nena