Fantasy, Farces, and Love

This intensity is driving me crazy. When I delve deep into the recesses of my heart, my mind I question why I am allowing myself to become so entangled in someone I barely know. Every day thoughts of him fill my head, every night dreams of him whittle away my unconscious hours. But is it him that I am thinking about or her? My heart swells when I think of him as the girl I met shyly handing me a poorly written note asking me to call her but I cry for the boy that is asking me to accept him. How do I battle my own sexuality, my own personal identity to accept this loving boy as mine?

 I am glossing over the fact that he has yet to ask me to be his. Knowing that I am wanted but not wanted enough is painful. I soar when we make plans to hang out and I crash just as hard from such great heights every single time he changes those plans.

I want him to want me just as much as I want him. He kisses me, tells me I am beautiful, that he really likes me and yet he doges predetermined plans, is cool and almost distant via text. God I hate text. I loath how those texts make me feel. I am a twenty-two year old woman pining after this boy as if I am fifteen. What happened to all that maturity I claimed to have gained, all the insight I thought I had learned from my relationship with M.D.? Here I am crying silently to myself hurting all because he has to deal with real life, because his pain is greater then my own and he has chosen to deal with that to give us a fighting chance at being together. I know he is kind and gentle, I know his reasons and how very much he deals with but knowing that doesn't stop it from hurting when he would so easily hang out with his friends everyday of the week but to give me a few hours is so stressful that it becomes impossible. At what point do petty feelings such as jealousy and painful longing erase the validity of feeling hurt?

 I keep chanting that stupid meme like prayer in my head to remind myself to be calm. Lord give me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change and the serenity to blah blah blah. I cant remember the exact words but the sentiment that those words produce is what I try so desperately to bear in mind.

I just wish that he would come to me and say that he wants to be with me, that he doesn't care that he has all these things that he is dealing with, because regardless of everything that is happening in his life, I bring him joy and he wants that joy, everyday. But these thoughts, these feeling as all based on fantasy.

Nena