Swimming Past the Waves

Its nice, I can finally look at her picture and feel no stirrings of sadness, loss, anger, regret. Nothing but a vague happiness that I have moved on and somewhat glad for the experience of having loved so deeply and knowing now that I can feel whole after the fact.

In other news, I am moving in with Bee. I don't really know how I feel about, how I feel about her. Does that make sense? I love spending time with her, we are good for each other but our relationship does lack a certain degree of passion. Its a calm sort of love.

I think its good, something I need now, in this stage of my life, but I do worry that maybe I am hurting her by enjoying the calm rolling of unformed waves. Maybe this is adulthood, simple, uncomplicated love. I enjoy her presence, I enjoy having sex with her, I love talking to her, I feel safe, loved, wanted, we fit well together but I worry because she doesn't fill me with that want, passionate, crazy love. Everything is so quiet, calm, almost to the point of vagueness.

P. told me to just shut up and enjoy the calm. But it feels so selfish knowing that maybe she loves me just a little more then I love her.

Is it leading a person on when you really do love them just not quite in the same way they love you?

Its weird being anyone's first anything when you are the more experienced one. I was in a three year relationship, she was my first love, it was passionate, crazy and unbalanced. I am older now, calmer, there is no more torrential rains and earthquakes for every shattered glass. I worry that since I am Bee's first relationship, first real relationship, that she is still in that "the world means nothing without you "stage instead of "Life is more enriched when your next to me".

I don't want to end it with her, I love the time we spend together, I love how I feel when I am with her and love not feeling like I am incomplete without her. I am a whole separate person that just so happens to love another. Time is more meaningful when we are together but it doesn't lose its meaning when we are apart. I just don't want to lead her on. Or make her feel less then she is.

I hope it ends well when it does end but for now, I guess I will enjoy the quiet rushing of the far off waves crashing against a distant shore.

Nena