Every time I read it, think it, talk about it, hear it, I get sick. I want to wash away the last three months of both our lives so we can go back and make sure this never happened. I want to scream at her, yell, kick, scream. How could you? But what would I be saying? All would fall on deaf ears because that is such a stupid question. She is beautiful, desirable, young, what do you mean how could you? Unsatisfied.

Everything about this is unsatisfying. She is unsatisfied, I am unsatisfied. I know she want others in her bed. I am an "old lover". Tried, tired, shabby.

Here I am getting what I deserve. How many people did I throw away because they were boring, they lost their shiny finish for me?

Are we both so unwilling to hurt the other that we stay in this relationship because we know no other? Because our collective self worth is so diminished by our lack of self esteem that we are the best each other has to offer?

Or am I the delusional one grouping her with me? Maybe she just cant say it. Maybe it I who is the lesser one.

Does she think herself better then the likes of me?

I feel so very hurt.

I can see her pulling away. The cringe when I come close. Her effort to amend her obvious slips. She loves me, but no longer desires me. I have become commonplace.

I almost want to leave her just so that I can shake her perspective of me.

I am strong! I am not a wallowing creature that lies underfoot. I refuse to be treated this way.

And yet nothing can be said. Nothing can be spoken for if all were to be said then we might both realize that our fears are the same. That we actually don't belong together for eternity. That our plans and dreams are just that. Nothing will be actualized, nothing will come to pass.

I have entered a twilight zone, where we are together, but no longer in love.

I don't fill her. I don't fill her world and satisfy her desires. I am not enough for her.

This hurts beyond all reason.

Because the truth is, she fills me, she is enough for me. But love cant be one way.

It just cant.

Nena