Choking

Shes mad at me, or maybe its at the situation. I just don't know how to think about it without crying and I don't see the point in crying. Shes mad at me. I don't want to talk about so she gets mad. Why doesn't that make sense?

Why is she mad?

I don't get it. I don't know if I should say sorry for not wanting to talk about something. Should I say sorry? But even if I did that wouldn't make it any better.

What am I supposed to say?

I am scared. I hate feeling alone and that is how I have felt 99.9% of my life. Now that I finally have something good I have to leave for eight months out the year and feel that awful blackness that I try to pretend is not there even as it consumes me. I don't want to feel that way for eight months. I don't want to have to go through everything we went through last year. I don't want to wait till freaking Christmas just to hold her and look her in the eye when I tell that I love her. God I don't want to wait all that fucking time. I hate being lonely. God do I hate it.


All I can see is this suffocating wall coming toward my head getting ready to crush me and it doesn't really matter where I run to because I live on a horizontal plane that is two dimensional. I will be crushed regardless.

I have this drowning sensation that I cant stop and before I know it tears are streaming down my face because if I don't cry I will choke on all the emotion that I am trying to ignore.

I don't have a family to see me off to freaking college. She cant come with me. I cant follow her. The only freaking person I am going to have with me is someone from the damn institution I have spent the last three years dying in.

Nena