Unfindable Video Game Life

Slowly everything is coming closer. I can feel the end of the summer pressing down on me from above but it has not yet touched me. Its like that one bubble popping game that came out in the late 1990's. You know the one, it has little dinosaurs that fed you the bubbles through a little cannon and you would fire it so that whatever color the bubble was that was in your cannon corresponded with the cluster of same colored bubbles you were aiming at in order to pop. Well in that game if you're too slow or not coordinated enough to aim properly a steel wall begins to drop. With every so many bubbles you fire the wall drops a little more, eventually pushing your bubbles down far enough to where they touch the bottom of your screen and you feel completely inept and a little perturbed due to you're inability to pop a few freaking bubbles. All the fears I have of going off to school and all my anxieties over money, life, and various relationships are those various colored bubbles and the end of the summer is that steel wall ever so surreptitiously pushing all of it down to the bottom of the screen, i.e. my supposed inevitable failure.

According to my father and his fatherly concerns (Which I feel he has no right in this matter) I am most likely going to come crawling back home (because I have one to crawl back to) in the event of my falling financial security.Both parental units kept going on about community college and how it is the better of the two choices and through all their evangelism regarding the two year "college" they have this smug expression on their face that reads in bold neon flashing capital letters "SHE FEELS AS THOUGH SHE IS ABOVE COMMUNITY COLLEGE, SHE FEELS SUPERIOR, MUST PUSH HARDER"

Both of them feel as though they know exactly who I am and they have to a precise sience the exact method of my thinking. How they came to these absurd conclusions I will never know, considering I never even lived with them. How do practical strangers tell me who I am? They know nothing of who I am. For them to have the audacity to stand there and pigeon hole me into this disgusting box labeled "NENA" is ridiculous. They know nothing of how I think, react, breath, or interact with others.

According to both of them I am of the following:

Slopping
Self hating
close minded
haughty
pretentious
self absorbed (how someone can be self hating and self absorbed all in one go is beyond me)
assuming
reclusive
critical
and here is the kicker
hiding behind a mask of intelligence


After the two to three hour long "conversation" where I tried to explain to Lea everything from why I have already decided to attended a four year to why I find it so difficult to be her daughter when I hate practically everything about her I wanted to tear my hair out. I was called every negative thing I could think of masqueraded as a character building critique. When I tried to explain to Lea that thirty some year mothers do not walk around with pink eye shadow up to their eyebrows she would return that comment with that is merely who she is but the way I dress is a sign of my low self esteem not my sense of style.

For years both "parents" have been trying to get me to dress differently but when I put the clothes they pick for me on and I look in the mirror the only person I see is the one woman I hate. I am damned by genes to resemble the one woman I loath.

She wants to know what I dislike about her and the only answer I can give her is everything. There was a time when I would have taken that comment back with my own want of a mother and my own expectations and hopes that one day she would wake up and be a real mother and not a woman trying to relive the childhood she never had ay the expense of her children.

I will never be the daughter she wants so I guess in that sense we are equal.

It is now time for me to close a chapter of my life that I had thought I closed eight years ago.

I need to stop all of this pining and move on. The only thing I can hope for is to be a better mother to my children then she was to me.
I will not disappoint my children like she did and I will not try to explain away my faults by giving pathetic excuses that only confirm my self worth to be nothing.

I AM DONE!!!!

I am done pining! I am done wishing! I am done hoping! I AM DONE WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!


Nena