Stuck in the Inbetween

God you would think that with my leaving date barreling down on me I would know what I want to do. You would think that my decision would be made and I wouldn’t still be going back and forth between buts, ifs, and maybes.

I still have to hear from Humboldt that I am admitted. I have been accepted but not admitted. They had to receive my final transcripts first and now that they have them I have to sit and bite my nails over whether or not they will admit me. I have a D on my transcript from sophomore year in geometry. Will they admit me with that D?

I got almost all A's and B's my senior year. Will that hold any weight when it comes to the final decision?

I am still torn on whether or not I want to go.

I want to be able to have both. I want M.D to come to me and say that she is too miserable up in Canada so she is coming to live with me. I want to be able to live in a place that is hidden from the outside world. So that we will never have to spend another day apart. I want to forever have my limbs entangled in hers so that I know I will forever be a part of her life.

A huge part of me doesn’t even care about college.


I find it so breath takingly amazing how falling in love rearranges so very much the core values that make you who you are. There was one point in my life when I could have easily said that nothing would stand in my way of succeeding. For me at that point the definition of success was completing college.

Now...now it’s walking away from this life knowing that I lived it happily.

What makes me happy?

Simple.

M.D.

There is nothing more that I want from this life then having her.

There is nothing better then loving her and knowing that she loves me.

All I want is to spend the fifty to sixty some odd years I may or may not get sharing my life with her.

But realistically that is not going to happen right now.

So where do I go? What do I do in this in between time?

Do I just sit here and wait?

I feel as though the only option left to me is to go through the motions until I can truly be happy.

Until our lives are shared.

Why is it that in society what is considered "reasonable" and "realistic" never really leaves anyone happy?


Nena