Where's The Great Relief?

What is it?

What is it that keeps bringing me back to this one feeling?

Its almost a lost drowning feeling. Like everything that once had great meaning holds a vague indifference or maybe its...I cant find the words.

Am I happy? Happy to sit here and wait for the thirteen year sentence to pass?

I not unhappy just unsatisfied. Fidgety. I want to do something, be with someone, dance, laugh, scream, cry...something damn it, something more then just waiting. Are we back to this same monotony?

I am tired of waiting but even when I escape this prison I will still have to wait, wait for what I want and how I want my life to be. What is this transition to "real life"? I have to wait to love her, I have to wait for children, I have to wait for marriage, I have to wait for life and that stableness, I have to wait because I am too young, too young for everything. This is what my society tell me. This is what everyone including those that I love tell me. But what if I don't wait?

What if I skip this horrible waiting and just grab what I want?

Who is there to stop me other then myself?

I am so very tired of all of this.

I want to scream what I feel and yet I don't, I want to rip my hair out and yet I smile as my prison guards escort me to me cell.

Wait.

Wait.

wait.

Nena