Amazingly enough my entire body doesn't hurt from last night. I did however get a massive cramp in my right calf but it wasn't as horrible as waking up in pain. I think I would rather take that one moment of intense pain then go through two to three days of aching. Don't get me wrong my body aches but not like it did last time after the two, two hour games.
I feel as though I could fall asleep to the hum of the heater in this stuffy classroom. Being sleepy is what I get for staying up late last night with R.D. just talking about sex, music, and social disorders. We had us some good laughs though.
I keep thinking about quiting the Cheer team. Its a lot of time, effort and energy I am devoting that I feel it might become overwhelming once I start Adult School. I want to quit but at the same time I have a lot of fun doing it and it feels good doing all that exercise everyday as well as staying devoted to something. Plus if I quit now I wont get a Letterman jacket. Maybe I am just feeling a little overworked.
Five more months.
Good lord, five months. Its as if I can see these remaining months stretching on for an immeasurable amount of time but I know that I will wake up one morning and realize its the 18th of June.
I am worried that I have slipped into that space where one the people I am close to are at a distance my feelings for them are not so much diminished but disconnected. Its a coping mechanism, I know this. To push those that I love into little boxes labeled "Gone" or "Care About On Later Date". Its this door that closes in my head. My walls around my heart go up. Is that what happened that day? That I placed her is one of those many boxes without realizing it? I was guarded. Disconnected.
Is there something wrong with me. I feel as though that last goodbye should have hurt more or done something more then it did. I was sad but only for that time. It was nothing like the first time. Not that heart wrenching well of loneliness that gripped me. I don't know how to explain it. I feel wrong some how for not feeling sad.
Is it wrong?
Nevermind.
Nena
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1 comment:
Stick with it, see how it goes, change something if it's not working. You're enjoying it, so it sounds like something you should keep on.
It's ok to not feel sad. Last term was everyone getting used to everything, and now we all know what to expect, more or less. It's a pattern we've grown accustomed to whether or not we (choose to) acknowledge it.
Boxes can be good. i'll stop failing at being helpful, now.
I love you.
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