Taking one scary step so I am holding my breath and closing my eyes

I left a message on Alex's phone telling her that I can't see her this weekend. I have not thought about what she said to me since I cried on the phone last night talking to M.D. As soon as I step foot into this accursed house my mood goes from good or great to shit. I hate the people I live with. But I am not going to bitch (too much).

I am really glad that we got Ipods for Christmas; it has come in handy when I need to ignore everyone and what better way to cheer yourself up then blast your own happy music till you forget where you are.


I am beginning to really like Michael Buble's song "Feeling Good".

Karate failed today, it was canceled. Saddening, I know. Mr.R has food poisoning or a stomach flue, six to one, half dozen of the other. (M.D, dammit you have me saying that now!!!!!!)

I am in a much better mood then when I originally sat down to write, weird how moods shift like that.


I should go do my homework. Gross. I do want to maintain a 4.0 but I don't feel like moving right now. I could do it later. I think I will, its not like I am going to sleep.

I thin I will ramble. I like I wasn't already doing that. ~rolls eyes~

I started in that letter to L.M last night I stopped like I always do. What is this the fourth time I have attempted to tell her at what point in my life I started staying mad at her?

Sheesh, I don't think I will ever be able to finish one of those letters. Maybe I should just give her all those half finished letters. I have most of them. I think maybe I will.

I get this dreading feeling in the heart when I think about giving her those letters.

Do I want to stay mad at her?

I think it is easier hating her then it is loving her.

In giving her those letters it tells her that I want to work our relationship out (or lack there of) but part of me just want to stay pissed and angry till I die.

Why is that?

I feel like a bitch when I bitch about her to anyone but she makes me so angry. I should probably stop bitching about her when I talk to certain people.


O.k so there are two parts to me:

first part:

Fucked up child who would gladly stay mad forever and not ever blink an eye at her tears.

Second part:

Smart, mature young adult who wants to amend the wrongs and have a mother to be there for the rest of her life. This side is super reasonable, kind, and practical.

Why then does this side rarely win?


~sighs~

You know what I am going to do it right now. I am going to send it all in the mail. Everything that I have ever tried to say, everything. I will even print out some blog post that I have written. I am going to dot this right now.

Nena