Ah, Depression My Old Friend

I am going through a cycle of depression again *sigh* at least I can recognize when it’s happening now.  I haven’t been doing anything after work, staying up late and getting up early, sleeping in til 3pm on my days off only to start it all over again. I need a project but I can’t find the will power to work on anything. Even today when K.’s ring arrived in the mail the happiness was fleeting. I wanted so badly to share it with someone, to have a friend that supports me through this but I don’t.  T. has retracted back to SD and frankly I’m not sure if we are friends right now. P. never reached out to me and trying to find support in her has never really gone well for me in the past. I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely. I’ve been trying so hard to push myself to meet more people but it all feels fruitless, there are so many more people in this world that I don’t connect with vs the people that I feel close to. There is so much to look forward to in the next week and half and yet I find myself drifting from one part of the day to the next instead of looking forward. I don’t know what I can do to get myself out of this funk. I can’t turn the anxiety voice off and per usual it’s attacking my relationship and making me feel sick. It’s saying I made K. feel uncomfortable during our anniversary, that because I dressed her in all white she is regretting going out with me, like the idea of  looking bridal has turned her off to me as a partner. Does that even make sense? I’m now feeling less confident about her response should I ask her, my evil brain is saying she won’t want to spend time with me when we are on our trip because it isn’t about us, it’s about her friends reuniting and family time. That I will just be the unwanted awkward third wheel. That Ollie is going to cause trouble and I am going to take the heat for it since I am his “owner”. That her friends are going to wonder why she is with someone who is so fat and clingy. That her grandmother isnt going to like me. That I will be alone and sad in a bubble of depression while she ignores me to have a good time with her friends. None of these is based in any reality, I get they are mostly irrational thoughts caused by anxiety and depression and yet they feel so real. I don’t want to voice them but they are eating me. Not to mention I’m afraid nobody really cares to hear it in the first place. I hate feeling like this, I hate hearing that stupid voice in my head undermine all the good things. I hate feeling like everything is one step away from falling apart. I seriously need to start talking to a doctor. I want this to change.

Nena