Am I that revolting?
Does a little piece of metal really change who I am?
I told her time and time again that I wanted to get it done, that I really, really wanted this but the moment I do it, its like I did something wrong. She reacted like she never even knew I wanted it.
Not only did she look horrifyingly disgusted when I showed her but also betrayed. I didn't betray her, I didn't do something behind her back. Everything that I have done she has had prior knowledge of. She gave me her consent.
Why then does she seem so bothered by it? Even though she has apologized she still seems disgusted by my actions.
Its a fucking metal bar for Christs sake. One hole, that will heal in freakin one month.
God I almost just want to take it out now.
Screw the fact that I payed fifty dollars for it, screw that I have wanted this since I was ten years old, screw that I have constantly told her that yes, I am actually going to do it, screw it all.
I really don't get why she looked the way she did when I showed her. I don't understand why she seemed so revolted by the fact that I have it. I don't understand why she seemed mad. I don't understand it at all.
I am actually mad about this. It makes me really ticked off.
I didn't do anything wrong. If I want a thousand holes in my body why cant I do it?
This is not self mutilation. How many times have I sat there knowing that she has carved the lines of her hatred into her body and not once have I ever been mad at her. Not once have I looked at her like I was disgusted. Not once have I acted as though I was betrayed. Not once did I ever treat her as though she was revolting.
I put one fucking hole into my body and here I am, disgusting.
Nena
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