Aching

Its like a drip bucket placed under a holey roof. Every time I see her name in my inbox its as though someone took that full bucket of rainwater and splashed it in my face. I feel as though I am living in a suspended reality. I keep half expecting to wake up and realize that none of it ever happened. That we are still a we. I know she moved in with her even before I asked. And yet reading it there in print knowing it was typed by her hand, a hand I will never again hold, hurts beyond all reason. I want to scream at her, ask her how she can care so little for my aching heart that she would do such a thing. Why is it so easy for her to forget the last three years of her life? Why shouldn't she feel that sharp stabbing jolt of electric pain upon waking and realize that she will be waking to many more mornings of loneliness and heart ache?

Its not fair that she gets to walk away with her heart in tact and I am left in pain, bleeding wishing to god I could just forget. That I didn't love her still even as I lay here crying. That maybe as I watch her back become smaller and smaller that she will turn around and say just kidding. Its not real. I still love you.

I hear you forgive your fist love anything and sadly I fear I do and would.

I want to be that srtong person that knows with a conviction that I wouldn't take her back if she asked. That I wouldn't let her use my shoulder or talk to be or halve the privilage see my face. I wish I could say I dont spend my days aching in pain over her throwing my away.

I feel so hurt and so so so very angry. All of this is wrapped in the most heart wrenching sadness that it hurts to breath with I think of her.

This is so much worse then love.

I wish we had never met.

I wish i could curl up into a ball and die.

Why does it hurt so bad?

Nena