Remembering

New faces arose today I hate when we get new staff. Its like they are all replacing K.V.B and Lisa. I miss them both greatly. I want to crawl into K.V.B's arms and cry until I have no more tears. I wish that she was here. Sadly she has to move on and I understand...I understand.

The night before last I was in a weird mood. I was trying to fall asleep but my head kept whirling with all kinds of thoughts. First I was thinking about M.Df but then I had to turn my thoughts otherwise I would be up all night thinking about her. I then started to think about Ohio. It was weird the thought of A. started to make me cry really hard. I was remembering our goodbye and how helpless I felt. I wanted to run into her arms and be comforted like a babe in the womb I wanted to feel safe and not feel as though I was walking towards nothingness. It was the worse feeling in the world it was even worse then when I was taken away crying for the empty promises of my mother. I was in tears and just the memory of our goodbye and the hollowness I felt as I boarded the plane made me start to bawl. I was crying so hard that I was worried I would was going wake my roommate. I didn't even realize at first that I was crying it started so unexpectedly. I opened my eyes and there were tears and my pillow was wet from crying and that is when I began to cry harder. It was as if that hollow feeling never went away and I just put it in the back of my heart to forget about it in order to board the plane. I knew that if I did not stop thinking about the nothingness I was walking toward that I would not have the courage to get on the plane. I almost didn't I almost walked away but then I turned around and gave my ticket the the stewardess. That hollowness fills me up when I think about and I at times realize now how alone I am here and it is overwhelming. I go about my day and take care of myself but never do tell someone when I wake up good morning or that I love them. I don't receive good night hugs and wishes for sweet dreams. It can over power you the sadness of it all, the absence of a family here. I think that is what I miss most back in Ohio is I got good night hugs. I felt so happy when I would go to sleep knowing that I was somewhere where I was wanted and loved. I wish I could go back, I was warm and safe there. I was wanted....I was loved... some people don't realize how powerful a goodnight hug can be they take that for granted.

Nena