Dear A.,
I am so scared that all this will not work out. Please I need your comfort, I can’t stay here. I hate it here. You know more then anyone else what it is like living in a crappy residential. I know that this place is better then most but it still sucks. I got into a fight with my roommate I mean a fist fight. Well I guess you would call it a pulling hair/ pushing away fight because we didn’t use our fists. I was already slightly on the edge and she just kept pushing me, I screamed at her I mean really screamed I don’t scream and I screamed. She got in my face and I pushed her away from me and that is when we both lost it. My glasses are broken, but I am fine. I wish I had you here with me so I could just hug you and cry. I really need a hug right now or at least someone here with me. I feel so alone …
Please lord, please let this work out. I need this I don’t just want this.
I am afraid that this is all a nice illusion that when I come closer it will disappear. Please don’t taunt me with this, I my life is full of fake things and people that I couldn’t bare to go on if this is all an illusion. I went to a seminar on relationships and the speaker said that all one needs to be happy is inside of them, I have tried but the facts remain that I am still unhappy with where I am. I have been unhappy for so long that I am not sure that if I was happy I would recognize it. I have no choice but to drown myself in books and school. I am back to my plan to remain so busy I have no time to think because when I think that is when I start to fall faster. What if it does not work out because I am doubting it will? So that would mean that it failed because I doubted it. What if the only way for this to work out is if I have all confidence it will? Can I do that? Have I ever done that?
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I am so tiered of being alone. I want a mom. Can she be that mom? Can I be her child? Do I even remember how to be a daughter? I hate my mom. Why did she have to fuck up? Why did all this shit happen? I hate her!!!!!
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Lea how could you have not known what was going on? How could you have not cared? I fucken hate you for it all!!!! Now you can’t even leave me alone, you have to be here for me reminding me that you love me reminding me of what I will never have with you around. You will never be the mother I wanted you to be. Why did you take her from me? Where was the mother I deserved? I am not your daughter, I am someone you conceived and then gave up on. You are not even willing to fight for me, but you will fight against me. Please just leave; you have done so much damage I don’t want you around. I hate you so just leave me in my misery…please just go!!!!!
I am broken and I don’t know if I can ever be fixed. Why do I feel so much hate for you, lea, but not for my dad? No, I cannot ever love either one of you like a parent but I hate you most of all. Why is that? And what is worse is that I can’t tell you that I hate you. All I can ever say to you is that I love you. And I do so much, I hate you as much as I love you…I hate you for what you did, and how you are and who you are. But I love you for so many unknown reasons. All I ask of you is to love me and leave me or tell me you hate me and walk away. Either way I want you to go and let me move on with my life.
Nena
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