wishy-washy feelings

I feel like writing but I don't know what to write about.
I am just having a veg day, sitting in some comfy clothes and reading A.'s diary, ok I am not being nosy she gave it to me. I really don't know what made her give it to me but I am really glad she did. Reading about when she is in absolute love with life just makes me smile like an idiot because I can feel the happy feelings she felt swell up in me and it just makes me so damn happy. Unfortunately I feel the same feelings she felt when she just wants to end it all and it makes me really depressed but it shows me how versatile life is. How one can feel so alone at one point and then just overwhelmed with love and apperciaction of those around them at another. Reading about her past just makes me feel as if there is so much hope, that life will get so much better even if at times I feel as if I can't go on. Right now I am feeling very weird, I go into my own little world reading about her and I feel so happy so....empowered.. But then I look around the room that I am in and the people that surround me and the empowered feeling of "life is so great you just have to look at it a different way" goes so very far from my mind and I feel that disappointed, aggravated feeling set in again. It is rather annoying how wish-washy one can be at times. Thus the complication of being a teenager.


My friend helped me see another side of the adoption issue. kvb. She said that in being adopted I would loose a lot of the privileges that being a foster child gives when you age out. So I expressed to her that I was smart and with the help of A. I would be just fine (if she is serious) but she proposed the idea if giving A. guardianship instead of fighting my "parents" in court for the destruction of their parental rights (which in my opinion would be a lot easier considering I am a complete coward when it comes to telling my "parents" what I want)

I don't know why I am such a coward when it comes down to addressing issues to my "parents". I don't absolutely despise them I just can't stand the way they act. In fact I love my parents so much, so much that I hate myself if I ever raise my voice to them or tell them something that I want that will hurt them (like I ever have). I want so much but I just can't bring myself to ask for them because I know what kind of pain it will bring to them, I can't help but sympathize with their feelings, it's who I am. I want to yell at them for being crappy parents and never being their for me, for getting their children taken away and for not wanting them back enough to have gotten them back when we all still had that childish dream of going home.

I remember staying up endless nights when I was younger crying. Crying because I was so helpless, because I wanted to go home, I wanted to live with my "mommy"(I did not see at the time that even when I did live with her she was never there and when she was my bottom and lower legs were recovering from a beating with a metal spatula). I wanted so badly to go home that my body would ache and my heart would hurt with so much pain that I thought I was going to die. I wanted what my "mommy" screamed she would do when we were being taken away, she promised me that she would get us back, I stopped believing her empty repeated promise after seven years of hearing it. Seven years of my heart aching so badly that I thought I was going to die, seven years of tears spent for broken promises, seven years of worrying for nothing. Then when I turned twelve I began to accept my fate in the system. I began to realize that I was never going to get what I wanted, it only took a few months of telling myself that until my heart stopped hurting and I no longer wanted what I had wanted so badly for seven wasted years of my life.

I want to be happy, I want so badly to be free from this instinctive protective feeling that I have every time I think of telling my parents that I want to be free from them. I don't want to feel like hurting myself every time my mind drifts to the image of me telling my parents that I no longer want them to be my parents and seeing their tear stained faces staring back at me in disbelief.

I will continue this another day....Maybe I won't

another three year old that I live with would like to make use of the computer privileges that we have in such a wonderful place as this (rolls eyes)

I can't complain other people have it so much worse then I do and when I do I feel like a spoiled child, and very inappreciative.

forever
nena

several hours later....


I want to be free from them, from myself......I-i-I just want to feel loved and happy ~shakes head~ what is happiness anyway?

if I did tell my parents "hey look whether you like it or not I am going to go live with A., and you cant stop me!!!" would that really change anything??? Would I be happy with A.? fuck the real question is would A. Be happy with me??? I'm damn sure know I would be happy with A. She is the embodiment of everything I have ever wanted to be like, so strong mentally, she has so many goals, she is super smart and best of all she loves who she is..... To find that inner love of ones self is just so amazing.

that womyn.... She makes me believe that I am not alone, when I talk to her I can't help but feel an overwhelming calmness settle over me because I know someone cares about me, not because they are paid to ., and not because they feel obligated to because they are family but because they really do care. I have very few that really do care about me and most to me are like my children, I look after them, I help them. But with her, with A. I feel I can tell her anything and she would know what to say or do to help me, not say something that sounds recited or fake just complete caring..... An idea that I have a hard time understanding because no one has cared for me that much.