I miss her. I miss her and I keep thinking about that day just after Japan. I was tired and sad, she reached for me and gave an encompassing hug. The feel of her arm wrapped about me making me feel small and light. Bringing to the surface the little girl that is always inside me. I always felt safe within the circle of her arms, always more in love with her then she was with me. She picked up my bear and zipped me into it, tucking covers about my bear clad form. I felt so loved and I knew this moment would be one to haunt me when I lost her. If only she could have always been so present, so soft and kind and loving. If only those rare sweet moments had lasted. It’s moments like those that kept me, kept me bound and hopeful. But it wasn’t enough in the end. Cruel moments, harsh moments, frustrating moments outweighed it all. And I am most sad for the loss of those perfect moments, like small crystal images catching the sun and shattering into rainbows, so beautiful but intangible. They slip through the cracks of your fingers and pass into nothingness. You can’t survive on a beautiful moment. But I do miss that version of her, the feeling of being understood in a way I fear I may never again be. The pain of loss is always so great. I hope it passes soon. These tears are for the girl who was worthy of my love not for the mean, angry, selfish girl who pushed me away and acted as though I didn’t matter.

Nena