Today was supposed to be 4 years, but instead today is just another day, another reminder that there is nothing left between us. I’m so angry with you. I’m so hurt and still I try to keep these feelings tucked close to my heart. For fear, for so many stupid reasons. You took my love and used it to keep yourself afloat in your hardest times. You took my love and gave so little back. You claimed reasons like mental illness but really it was just selfishness. Over the course of three and half years you took my love and condemned me for loving you. You judged me, you hurt me, you constantly tried to control me. And I let you. I let you because I thought “today she is hurting, but tomorrow she will show me that she really does love me”. I waited so long for your your momentary displays of kindness. I savored them like tiny delicate candies to be stored in my pocket for special days. But that isn’t love. I would replay these moments on a neverending reel to keep my heart from bursting when the only face you could show me was one of anger. I waited so long for you to love me, for you to respect me, for you to see anyone else but yourself. But you were so selfish. Over three and a half years you killed me slowly. You took a heart that worked hard to love again and dug your foot into it like stomping out a cigarette butt. You say I wasn’t the best girlfriend. Whatever my faults were, yours were a thousand times worse. I blame you. And I don’t care if you read this. For once someone should tell you “this, this mess, this is your fault”. You will never take responsibility for the pain you put me through. I will never expect an apology because you are incapable of a genuine apology. But know you caused so much suffering for your selfishness. Know that there is damage caused by your wake. Know that you hurt another human being. Know that this pain is lasting.
Know that it is your fault.
Nena
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