The Willpower to Change

Sometimes I forget the purpose of writing. I have been so lost in everyday life I have left behind all the reasons I pledged to continue writing. How stupid is it to break promises to yourself? I blame it on so many other things: the drudgery of work and everyday life, the lack of time or will power, the suffocation of my endless self doubt. It is always at inappropriate hours of the morning that I feel the most conviction. I want to stand on my little soap box and spout my determination to pull through this gray winter blanket that has been pressing me down for so many months now but I know how unrealistic that would be. I know that it would just be another lie to to add to the long string of lies I tell myself in order to make it through my day.

Lets break down the facts here:

1. I hate my job

2. This unhappiness is bleeding into my home life

3. By consequence home life is not that great as of late

4. I feel repressed, even here in the spaces where I am supposedly most free


So much of my life has been a struggle. I continuously fight to keep those around me happy. Mostly for selfish gain. If they are happy then I am not alone. It is the big fear. The fear of loneliness and rejection. It is through this fear most of my self loathing manifests. I hate that I am a product of my past. I hate that the early abandonment and rejection of my family has affected me to such a degree that I carry this fear in my pocket like a stone used to drown myself. If I could, I would cast it from me and never look at it again but life doesn't work that way.

In my efforts to maintain this happiness I am allowing my own needs to go unmet. I know this is a dangerous road, I know its unhealthy and will ultimately lead to further depression.I know all of this and yet I keep doing it just like I keep over eating or deferring school.

I know what I need to do but I am afraid.  I am afraid to find a different job one that is actually in my chosen field. What if I am not cut out for it? What if I cant do it? What if I actually suck?  I love the kitchen. I love the way I feel accomplished when I successfully bake a cake, or when my cookies come out perfectly browned on the bottom. I love coming up with new recipes even if they are just new to me. I love feeding those around me. but I am terrified that when it comes to the structure of a professional kitchen I will not past muster. I lack willpower in so many aspects of my life and this job is not just a job but a life. This is dedication at the very core of its definition. I have the passion but my fears are holding me back. I fear that if I throw myself into this I will lose her. I fear that I wont be good enough or strong enough to see this through.

I am afraid to finish school.

What does that even mean? I cant see past graduation. I cant see being done and actually having to prove myself outside of school. I am terrified.
It is this fear that rules me. So I get up in the morning and go to work my unfulfilling job that only furthers my depressed state. I work it and hate myself for it. I hate my day and I come home and say nothing. Nothing about my stupid day because if I were to speak I might just give up entirely. I am so unhappy with this job and yet I make no effort to change.

Pair this with her unhappiness and you get the picture.

Home life comes to me in short burst between the hateful blur of my work day and sleeping. As of late I feel like it would just be better for both of us if we just did our own thing and didn't speak. She is dealing with so much tension, so much stress on top of her usual things and I am like a black hole for all that I am feeling that when we do end up speaking its like two characters from opposite movies, cross dialogue that makes no sense and just ultimately frustrates those involved. I go to bed feeling frustrated, sad and disappointed that I could be so short with someone I love so much. I don't even know what to say to lighten the mood, not that its my job to ease her tension but of course I always try but inevitably just succeed in fighting or making her feel like crap. A fun and endearing cycle.I really should win the award for best girlfriend of the year.


I have been so scared that these posts will bleed into the spaces of my life where they were never meant to go that I have been deleting everything I write and by consequence I have been storing all of this tension to the point where I know I am dangerously close to falling into depression. I am scared to cause pain to those who I know are reading, but I have to write, without it I am broken. My inner demons run around destroying me from the inside. I don't want to be slowly torn apart, eaten away by every negative thing that terrible inner voice throws at me. The only way I can quiet it and bring some peace is to let it out. This is that space. I have to reclaim that for my own sanity.


Something needs to change so my compromise for now is this: I will post this. I will not delete it and I will not regret it.

Nena