Lost

I don't know when was the last time I have written a real post, not something filled with posturings or pretty words  but here is my first attempt. I woke up today worried and slightly depressed. Of course the only way to sufficiently drown that feeling is change. I have cut my hair to my ears, plied makeup and my face and forced a thousand smiles. I might look better on the outside but it has failed to make me feel better on the inside. I dont know what I want, as if that is something new. I am mixing up my own self loathing with her feelings towards me. I fear there is too much distance and I cram it with too much, too much silence, trying too hard to make her happy, to keep her interested. I remember this feeling well. I am so scared that she will lose interest that I keep trying to appear interesting but my attempts are so transparent its disgusting. They only lead to feeling further distanced for her. I admonish myself, relax, be yourself but what does that even mean? who am I?,

I start work tomorrow. I have no real idea what this job entails. I have never worked as a telemarketer before. There is some form of pride because I feel like this is a respectable job something that pays well, that will bring enough money to contribute to our expenses, I will even be able to buy a car. My first real step to finally being stable, sufficient, at least in my own eyes....maybe.

I don't know what to say. I don't know if I am happy or sad or depressed. I feel distant from everything like I am living someone else's life.

Where did Nena go?