I cant help but spend the wee hours thinking of you as I lay idle in your bed. I wish you were here, holding me, kissing me, telling me you love me. Its nights like these that I need you most. I feel so many things at once it seems I feel nothing at all. I want to cry because I ache so very much with want of you and yet if I look around I can see traces of you everywhere. I look at your one blue wall and remember how we spent most of the time painting your room making out while t.a.t.u played endlessly in the background. I remember the contrast between your smooth skin and the rougher material of your overalls and how I couldnt figure out if kissing you was making me dizzy or if it was the paint fumes. I feel so surrounded by memories of you when I am in your room that sometimes it becomes unbearable, I have to stop myself from looking for you. You are so very tangible in this room that it is cruel you are not actually here. I feel like you are the only thing that keeps me going. I feel nothing at all through out my day that I almost wonder if maybe I have lost the ability to feel but then I only have to think of you and my heart twists and I can feel pain all over. Is God laughing at us? I feel as though our souls were made from the same matter and it was just torn in two. I have found my other half and yet I am doomed to be so very far from her. Do you feel the answering pull of your flesh 30,000 miles away? Do you feel as I do when you think of me? I feel like I would surely die being so far away. Pieces of me crack the farther you are and I can feel myself on the verge of nothingness. I am like so many pieces of fragile glass. Once broken the strength is never the same, even if glued back together. I miss you so! If I did not know already what heartbreak feels like I would wonder if this is what it is. This at times seems worse. A constant ache for something that can never be actualized. I want to throw fits like a foolish little girl. I want to kick my feet and slap my hands against the floor all the while screaming for you. If only you knew how very much you are a part of me and how desperately I miss you. I feel jealous every time something or someone else makes you smile in my absence. Your life seems so happy without me there! I want to be the reason your breath is stolen! I want to be the one who makes you smile! I want to be there and make you laugh! I want it to be me! For why should you be so happy when I am so very miserable with want of you? Why should someone have that privilege when the opportunity was stolen from me? I am yours! Do you not see. I will bow before you if you wish, I will fall on hand and knees and pledge my devotion if only you were to command me so!

Let me come to you! Let me make you weak with desire! Let me be the one to brush your tears aside and bring joy to your life. Let me be part of you life. It kills me so to be on the sidelines of your life. I will serve you in quiet devotion if only you were to allow me to be near you.

I regret so much! I regret being so harsh and short tempered if only I was reminded of how very miserable life without you near is. I will be humble and ask nothing. I will not raise my voice, nor give you harsh words! I will be patient and loving. I will follow you in my servitude! Please let me be with you!

How foolish I was to have been so blind and treated you so poorly! I seen now, all was my fault. How dearly I wish I could take it back!

Oh Chickadee! Can one survive with so much pain?

Please dont leave me here! Take me! Take me!

Life is nothing without you! Please just stop this pain. Please make it stop. Place your arms around me and whisper you love me.

I need only your love. I need only you.

My sweet Chickadee I need you.