A Point of Resolution

I need to say this and I want you to just listen. I still love you. I keep trying to convince myself that I don't. That you were an awful human being. That you never loved me. But I know you did and that is what kills me. Maybe you didn't love me when you met her or maybe you stopped loving me long before that but that is not the point. The point is is that at some point, at one instant in the expanse of time, you loved me. I want to throw around questions, questions I will never get answers to. Like why don't you love me anymore? What did I do or say that changed who I was so that you no longer loved the person I am.? I feel like I will never get over you and I hate that. I hate that I care for you still to this day and I am probably not even a passing thought in your mind. I think about you everyday. Everyday and it has been a year. I still think about you. The pain it is almost unbearable at times. I want to rip my heart out and feed it to some vile creature as to not feel this pain anymore. I need these feelings to go away. I need you to stop entering my thoughts. You took my heart and ran away with it and never gave it back even as you left me standing there tears streaming down my face. Its going to be a new year soon. I don't believe in new year resolutions but maybe this year I should make an exception. I am going to get over you. I am going to walk away from you. I am going to walk away from this cold rainy place and no longer love you. I have to, if I stay here I will die here.

I don't know if what I tell myself is true. That I love you for who you were and not who you are now. I don't know if I am getting over you and the pain is lessening or if I am just ignoring it, getting used to the aching hole you left. I keep stuffing it with people. People I think I can love. That maybe I will wake up and they will be you. That you will still love me if I love them hard enough.

You cant have been the one. God is too cruel for you to have been my one.

I hate you. I hate you for the very same reason I love you. Because you fill me but you don't care.

You once filled me with love and joy and happiness, I felt like I would burst with how fucking happy I was but now now? now I just feel like I could die with how much I hurt.

But you don't care that I love you, you don't care that I am in pain, you don't care about me. And that hurts all the more.

So I am done crying, wishing thinking about you. I am done because I cant handle this anymore.
I cant.

I cant see your face anymore. I cant hear your voice and your laugh. I never want to see your smile or see you cry, I don't want to be there for you ever.

You need to go away from my life for good.

This is my new years resolution.

I am leaving you behind with the rest of the memories. I am leaving you in the rain and I am walking away.

Nena