Geting to the Point

Life is picking up. I start school on April 4th. As exciting as it is I know that it is going to be really stressful. I feel like there is already a lot of pressure for me to succeed in this. I think D.M is worried that I will quit halfway through like I did at Humboldt. L.M keeps mentioning that I need to make more friends. I don't think they get it. Not only is it harder for me to make new friends then most people but on top of that people don't really seem to like me. I am either too weird or too smart for most people. Where are all the intelligent, normal people?

I still think about her everyday. I also dream about her. Sadly most of those dreams are of us fighting or me feeling like crap. I guess that's because that is how we spent our last year together. I wish I didn't think about her, I wish I didn't still love her and I really wish that I didn't still care about her. I hear that she isn't doing so well. I have to stop myself from picking up the phone to call her. What would I say anyway? Uh, Hi. I heard you were feeling like crap so I just wanted to make sure you were ok? Its so pointless.


I want closure on my end. I want to know that she doesn't think about me. I want to know that she doesn't love me or feel anything for me anymore so that I can work on moving on. I don't even know if I am handling this right.

As much as I think about her I spend twice that amount of time trying not to think about her. Trying not to let all those stupid comments slip from me, like M.D.....

I don't want to say her name.

If I am really honest with myself I am in so much pain over loosing her that I cant deal with it. I have stuffed it in a box like I did with everything she gave me and I refuse to look at it.

What is the point of crying over her? The more I think about her the more I hurt.

I hurt because I know that if she had never gone to Canada we would have never ended. We would have had a life together. I know that. But like some many other things this line of thinking is pointless.

Its all so pointless.

She is gone and I am here picking up the pieces of my life and wondering if I can even put them back together.

Nena