For the first time there is Conviction

I am slowly but surely healing. I can feel the sores and open bleeding wounds slowly come to a stop and scab over. I cant say that the pain has stopped or that it has even faded to the background but its the first step. I really don't know how long this is going to take or even if it will scar but I can say I am now on the road to recovery. I really don't know how it has happened, maybe it was that night in bed when she said sorry for the first time knowing she was hurting me or maybe it was me finally admitting to myself that it happened and I can actually forgive her. The whole situation is a mess to say the least but I know we will be able to get through it. I know it.

I am trying so hard to be a better person. I know that the last year or so I gave into my weaker side and started doubting like I almost always do. I began to convince myself that she didn't love me. My dad is right. Before you can progress in a relationship you have to have self worth. I cant keep looking at myself as this piece of scum. I have realized that I have so little self worth that I would actually consider doing certain lowly acts out of self pity and self hatred.

I look in the mirror lately and I don't recognize myself. I have torn myself down with all my insecurities so very much that the girl staring back at me is small and pathetic. She cant stand on her own. She needs verbal, physical, and mental approval from so many sources she is like a vampire. She is shriveled and rotting with tears crusting in the corner of her eyes. I am not this girl. I refuse to be her anymore.

I can be strong again. I will be strong again.

I cant sit here and feed my morbid curiosity with horrid questions.

They tear me apart.

How can I expect to be included in any plans she may have for her future if I cannot even stand on my own two feet?

I realized this after we had that talk.

She said "I cant make you happy anymore"

That phrase has been rebounding in my head for day and days, splintering my anger and small unstable barrier of self doubt.

I have to take responsibility for what I have done.

I lied. I tore us apart with my constant worrying, and insecurity.

I know I need to do better, be stronger, less selfish and self indulgent.

I will be someone that she deserves and that deserves her.

I know I will.

Its time I become as strong on the inside as I can appear on the outside.

I will fight for her and for us. I cannot and will not let this break us.

This is the start to everything.

I love her, I love her with every piece of my soul.

I will make this better.

Nena