Is this what Living is?

I have come to the realization that I spend most of my days alone. I wake and no one is there, I tredge through the school day with no real contact with people, and its almost like a sharp painful breath of air when I come home and finally I have someone to hang out with.

Now I understand why A. was all excited when I told I had a friend here. I don't really make many friends, I am not a very extroverted person.

Its funny that I was able to even get M.D. to notice me let alone actually stick with me for three years. She is by no means an introverted person. She really thrives when she is around a lot of people. No matter where she is she somehow always manages to find a rather large circle of friends. I have never had a friend like her. I have never made friends with someone who could do that. Its baffling really.

Every time I am in a group of people I don't know I feel as though they are judging me and if I could just make myself as small as possible then maybe the wont even bother to look my way. I can never think of anything interesting to say nor intelligent.

My nervous tick when I actually do speak is to either say one to two word sentences, smile politely or start using my "Big Words" vocabulary (I do this one more with adults then anything else).

I miss spending my days with M.D because at least then I have someone I can share my thoughts with and feel comfortable around.

I actually am a very affectionate person. I love to cuddle, hug, anything really its just I cant really do that with people I don't feel on even ground with. Its weird I know. I cant really cuddle with another individual unless I am intellectually and emotionally on the same functioning level. And this is why I miss her so much.

I don't even have someone here with me to give me an affectionate hug, one that makes me feel as though everything really is alright.

I love P. but she doesn't really make me feel better in the same sense that M.D does.

I guess what I am trying to say is I miss M.D more then I allow myself to actually think about on a day to day basis.

When I give myself time to stop and think I feel like I am drowning in emptiness.

So much for a fulfilling life after foster care.

Nothing much has changed since the bars where removed.

Nena