I Can't Protect You...

Scrolling through all the names I can feel fear bubble up in my tummy. I know what I am doing I know that all of these people have committed the same crime but with each profile I cringe and my heart hammers. I instinctively hate these people. I hate them for the crime they have committed because it is sick and unthinkable. Most would label it as unforgivable. I get through the "A's". All of them have that wild unkempt look about them. Predator. I read their offenses and I want to go throw up some of them are so sadistic. Tears prick the back of my eyes I feel so sick. I reach the "M's". I know what I am going to see. I have known for fourteen years but I am still hoping in some childlike way that I wont see it. I wont see the picture next to his name. I wont see the offense written in black and white ink. It somehow wont be true. The moment I reach "MOE" I know. Its horrible. I see him. Red shirt, unseeing gaze penetrating the camera as the flash of a bulb captures his rounded features forever marking him as the criminal.

How many people have looked at this same picture feeling the same hate that I felt for the thousand other people I saw?

This is my daddy. I know him, but this picture, this crime, this awful site, it shows it all. It exposes to the world what my favorite person in the entire world did. He cant be cleansed.

What scares me most is he looks just like all the others.

My daddy is different I know it, I know this as I know myself. No one will know looking at this picture that this man is the kindest man to have walked the earth, that this man is intelligent, diligent, loving. No one will know that he loves his children and works his ass off for a wife that doesn't deserve him. No one will know!

People will instinctively hate him. They will look into his deep brown eyes and fill their bellies with hatred. Only knowing him for his sick past.

Seeing his picture among the thousand other criminals hurt more then anything I have ever experienced.

I wish that I would have left it alone. I wish that I didn't go looking to satisfy this twisted curiosity.

But there he is.

There is my daddy. The man I cried for, for three years. The man that hurt my sisters. The man that held me when I was born. The man that makes me feel better when I cant deal with life. The man that almost my entire family hates. The man that cant be forgiven. The man that women with children fear. The man with the best laugh in the entire world. The man with the kindest soul.

Why does seeing him listed among his fellow prisoners make me feel sick with grief?

This is not how I see him at all.

I want to erase his past so that no one will know. I want to protect him from the hatred of the people that might see his face amongst the others.

I love him. How can anyone hate him so?

Even seeing it, knowing what he did, seeing his picture amongst all the others, hearing the thousands of reasons why I should not trust him, I cant bring myself to see him in a negative light.

She asked me once "Why could you forgive your father after all he has done but not me?"

I can only say is if people discovered that Jesus had murdered someone while he was alive would that cause all his followers to hate him?

What he did doesn't erase that he loved me when on one else did. He made me feel safe when she was beating me, when she told me she would come for me and left me waiting.

He showed me infinite patience and I will forever love him for that.

But I still cant dampen the fear I feel when looking at his picture.I cant erase this. I want so desperately to wish this all away.

Daddy, why? Why did you do this? Why did you do it daddy?

People hate you now and I cant stop it. People know your face and know what you did to your own children and they hate you for it. Daddy people hate you!

Daddy, why!!!!?

No one will know looking at that awful picture that you are such a wonderful person, daddy, on one!

Oh god, I shouldn't have looked. I shouldn't have searched for it.

Daddy, what if someone tries to hurt you for what you did?
What if there is so much hatred someone kills you daddy?

Who will I be left with to help me, daddy? I am only doing this to please you. I want you to be proud of me daddy. I want to show you that I can succeed. That I can make life better. I want to show you all the good things I can do. Daddy, what if someone takes you away from me before I can do that?

You want see me graduate, or get married. Daddy you have to see the beautiful grandchildren I will give you to spoil. Daddy you have to be there for me. I have to have time to get to know you daddy. I don't know anything about you. I spent fourteen years in prison waiting for the day I could talk to you.

God, daddy why did you do that?


I am so scared and no one knows, not even you.

I love you more then anyone alive and I am so scared someone will rob me of my time with you because you were stupid.

I cant even pray to Jehovah anymore. I cant because of who I am daddy. How am I supposed to protect you?

God daddy all of your information is there. All of it and anyone can get to it.Any hateful person can read where you live and come for you. It has happened before daddy. But what if this person doesn't complain they just shoot?

Why were you so stupid!!!!!!!!?

I don't hate you daddy, but god do I hate what you did.

Please God, don't let someone rob me of my daddy then I will have nothing left.

I hate being this scared. I hate it so much.

Daddy, please....please...just....please...

Nena