Its for the Greater Good

Its odd how some things take precedence in life and what was so important to you once is now a trivial thought or remembrance from the past. The point of starting this blog was so that a certain person I really cared about could read what was written and maybe love me in return. But then it became a dumping ground for all my worries and frustrations and now..now ...what is it to me? A maintained obligation?

Its like this book that I have had sitting in my room collecting dust for over two years now. I have never read it and I don't anticipate reading it but I cant bring myself to get rid of it.

What happened to the passion that burned like some great fire inside of me. I wanted things to the extent that I would fight anyone who came in my way. I was determined to carve out a future for myself even if the only option I had was to bloody my hands. I feel so distant now.

Everything was obsession and now that life is in moderation the intensity I felt through those obsessions are missed.

I want to fight someone for something I care about. But what I pursue no one cares.

This factor of loneliness has been a dominate feeling of late. It is as though I am living in a swamp of zombiefied government life. Where the officials shove propaganda down your throat and claim it is for the greater good. It leaves this antiseptic taste in my mouth somewhat metallic and chemical.

The ones that managed to escape never dare the risk of contact. You run from the dark of your past to the light of your future but who do you leave behind in that blackness in your desperate struggle to breath light? Maybe that's why the monotony of living here is getting to me. The preparation to leave is building for those that have served their time worshiping the greater good and now that freedom is becoming visible, tangible but still surreal life in all its grayness is unfulfilling.

How do I verbalize this sludge that I feel as though I am swimming through?

Its as if there is no purpose to my actions. You move because if you don't there is is no distinction between you an the inanimate.

Is this all due to the haze that covers my future?

I feel as though I am not working towards anything.

The one thing that I know I want is not something I can have, not unless I plan on hurting those that are involved. And for once I am not willing to.

For once in my life I am letting something go. But even this decision is not a steadfast, written in stone unchangeable one.

I hate uncertainty.


Nena