Empty Invisibility

Although I should be frantically writing my socratic seminar on the negative aspects of the death penalty I find my mind wandering to the few weeks I have left of this loneliness. I know that I should not worry so over the trivial aspects of all of this but I cant seem to provide my mind with a diversion large enough to induce a proper distraction. I am worried more then I would like to admit that maybe just maybe seeing her for four days is going to be more of a negative then a positive. I don't want it to seem like a shared dream that upon waking turns to something of a fogged memory. I feel as though in seeing her a day for every month I have waited will make this loneliness that much more potent when she leaves.

Sometimes I feel as though it will eat away at me and that I will spend an eternity crying for my love that is too far away.

I am most worried when I think about the coming years. If I do end up getting into college...I just don't know how to articulate this fear...I guess what I am trying to say is that we will stop having time for each other due to pre-requisites and the trudges and tediousness of every day life. I don't want to become transparent in the mundane. I want to stay substantial, visible, so that maybe if whoever can still see me then they wont forget about me and everything will hurt less, I want...

I want the easy way out and I want to forget everyone and everything and leave to go live with her because at least with her the world doesn't hurt as much and the absences of my family is not such a big hole.

But without her all seems unbearable.

Nena