I don't think she will ever learn. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. Or maybe I am hitting my head against that glass box she is in. I hate this, I have been telling her over and over again that this is why but does she ever do anything about it? NO.
I tell her to become involved and she say oh its because of my tendency to push away. OK? What the hell. I am sitting her telling this is the problem (which is entirely fixable) and she gives me an excuse.
I should just walk away and keep going, just turn around and never look back because she is never going to change and even though I recognize this I continue to pound on her self imposed four wall prison.
What kind of fruit loop idiot am I?
It really pisses me off.
I guess I should be grateful that I am just mad and I no longer carry that horrible sadness every time I think about how inadequate she really is.
Arrgg... and then she has the audacity to say that ever since I met A. I have pushed her away. OK, Miss.Teenager because its all her fault and none of it is ours. In A. found a strong, supportive, friend who is reliable and there when I really need her. L.M is not there for me. If it does not involve her she just does not care.
I told her that there are many things I dislike about her as a person but when it comes down to it, I love her and that is why I ceaselessly bang on her stupid glass box.
I can pound my fist, yell, scream and cry but she will never be the mother I want her to be. She will never care about me more then she cares about herself.
I am floating in this space where there is no umbilical cord connecting me to her.
Drifting in a world where she does not exist. But without her I do not exist.
What connects me now?
I am motherless.
Nena
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