The Hollowness Returns On An Emotional Rollercoaster Day

Emotional range today has been somewhat exhausting. I woke up feeling extremely tired then as the day progressed I became thoroughly excited then calm. I was soon irritated then really happy again. I feel as though I am bi-polar today. I was so sad to the point of tears and then in a matter of minuets I was laughing again only to be mad fifteen or so minuets later and now I am clam again. ~exasperated sigh~


I had the opportunity to talk to A. today which made me feel so full of love that I could not help but smile...well up until the next mood shift took place. I forget how much I enjoy our conversations considering lately we have not really had one in length. Most of our conversations as of late have consisted of formal greetings, the typical how are yous and soon the conversation is cut by one of us. Not really something that would make someone feel all giddy inside. But she sent me a lengthy e-mail and since then we have been in contact more then we have been in these past couple of months. I can not wait till I talk with her tomorrow.


I found my poetry book all in disarray from some time of use and so before the sad little thing decided to fall completely apart on me I decided to transfer all my poetry to something more suitable, something with a real bind. I chose to use an old journal that I only use for a short while so its pages are mostly blank. I began transferring my poetry in there and it is proving to be a rather tedious task that is bringing up more emotions then I would like to deal with in one day.

I was re-writing a poem that I had written when K.V.B first left and I began to feel the same hollowness that I felt the day I boarded the plane to come back to CA from Ohio. Slowly the hollowness and sheer sadness began to fill me till I grew heavy with sorrow and I could stand it no more. Tears began to slip through my weak wall that I had been trying to keep erect in order not to let the fall. These few tears that managed to betray me caused me more grief then I would have expected. S.R began talking about how she wanted to paint the house and how some other girls in the house wanted to do the same. She continued on to discuss colors with the sw that was sitting at the table. Upon hearing this I looked around the room feeling my sorrow deeper then I had wanted to. I was remembering distinctly when I had had a laughing moment with K.V.B and I had mentioned that I wanted to paint the house and she had pointed out that it was already painted. I had looked around the room just as I was doing when S.R was talking and laughed because I had thought that K.V.B was joking. All of a sudden I realized that the house was indeed painted one wall was a light blue and to compliment it the corner ceilings were an even lighter yellow.

Now that K.V.B is gone this is the only thing that remains of her touch in the house. S.R already re-arranged the living room and all of K.V.B's Christmas stuff had been removed and put in storage. I had kept to myself when S.R re-arranged the living room because I thought that I was being too sentimental but it just seems to me that every new person that comes here is trying more and more to erase her presences. I loved and still love K.V.B more then I should have allowed myself to considering I knew that she nor I would be here forever. But I cant seem to keep the tears back knowing that even this simple fingerprint that remains is going to be painted over.

I have her rocking chair that she left but if they paint the house the rocking chair will be all that is left. Maybe I am being too....I don't know. I miss K.V.B so much. The house now has a certain cruelness about it that never quit goes away even when I am the only one here. At least when K.V.B was here I could look forward to seeing a loving face when I came home from school but now I only have emptiness to replace her. I like S.R but I don't love her.

K.V.B was like the mother and friend I never had, now she too is gone; pushed back into the shadows of my life only arising on the rare occasion when the sun decides to shine on all aspects my life. A sad heaviness that is a darkening purple gray remains in her absences. I miss K.S.V.B she was the sweetest little girl I have ever had the privilege to meet. I felt as though I had a small little family here now I have an empty space.

All this was what brought the betraying tears to my eyes.

Now I feel that hollowness again and this time I cannot seem to push it to the back of my heart.

Nena