Bothered...

I don't know why I feel so bothered by it. I mean it is not like she was screaming at me and all that jazz. She never indicated that it was I she seemed to be upset with but then why did she all the sudden get that way? I shouldn't be bothered by this and I keep telling myself that but the more I think about it the more it troubles me. I have all these thoughts that maybe she is going to...


I refuse to write it. In acknowledging it I give it power and thus it will happen. That is how it has always worked for me. It starts by me having nightmares about it, repetitive nightmares, then I start saying it aloud, writing it down and before I know it the very thing that I did not want to come to pass has passed and left me broken and empty. So I refuse.


Why am I so bothered? It is not even annoyed. The only word I can think of to describe this feeling is bothered. I want to break down, cry, scream, something, anything other then this feeling. Give me anything, anything at all just not this.

Is it what I said?

Did I do something?

I'm getting all paranoid, running through conversations from the last couple of days, but I am running in circles.

I keep telling myself to stop, to stay calm and that it is nothing that came by my own hand, but part of me does not believe that. Part of me knows that I played a part in this and that I am soon to pay what is owed.

God please don't let it be...

I woke up feeling this way and it has been clinging to me like the putrid stench of stale smoke to a smoker.


I don't know what to do.

...

Nena


............................

~several hours later~

I am so stupid.



Nena