Oh gosh here I pour my soul out. I have dropped the religion I was looking into. When I was younger I was a Jehovah's Witness I can not even begin to describe how loved I felt and the power of believing in something all powerful. I was looking back into being a Jehovah's Whiteness but I decided against it when I got my questions answered. I am feeling really guilty for doing this but I have to know for sure that this is the right descion. My dad asked me to go to the memorial with him and the rest of my family, I told him I would go but I don't know I know that if I go I will be put back into that questioning position where I want to go back but I know that if I do I can not believe with my heart as I once did when I was little. I love this god that I learned about when I was little but ever since I left the religion I was able to learn so much, my mind became so much more open to new ideas, I met Anjey and if I go back I will not be allowed to associate myself with her unless I am trying to convert her to my religion which I would never do, I find it disrespectful to anyone.
I would get mad if she came and told me that my lifestyle was wrong and she tried to convert me to her religion if I did not agree with it. The thing that disturbs me most is that Jehovah Witnesses believe that after the great tribulation passes there will be peace on earth and we will forever live in an eternal paradise but the one that had the chance to hear the word of" god" and chose to ignore it they will die and stay dead there is no life after death for them. Plus to add to this the people that heard and listened who loved the ones that did not listen will forget these people. I can not live believing that I will one day forget those that helped me make it through this life let alone living forever and not remembering them I think that would be worse then Hell.
I cried so much when I heard that. I really don't know what to do, why does it feel like when I even think to consider a different religion I feel as though I am making the wrong choice and I get that same butterfly feeling that I get when I am dong something bad and I know that I am doing it but still don't stop. I asked my dad about it in an indirect way and he said that people continue to do it because doing the wrong thing is easier then doing the right thing, but I cant serve this god knowing that I don't fully believe in the religion. I love this god so much I feel it in my bones I feel my heart sing when I sing praises to him but I just cant bow down devotedly knowing these things. I cant. I just cant. I feel so confused so angry about it, i just feel like smashing something because I am so confused!!!!.
On a more brighter note someone I thought I lost came back to me!!! His name is Rich. He was just the sweetest man I have ever known, I loved him so much but then her was going through so stuff about his brother. He stopped talking to me, stopped writing , everything t was terrible I cried so much . I was so worried for him so worried that he would give up and end it, the torture of worry but never being relived. I tried letting him go but his face still haunted me in my dreams and when I woke I mourned for His absences. Then not to long ago I open my mail and what do I know there is a letter from him. My heart practically lept out of my chest. so i am so glad that he came back. I guess that is all I will write for tonight.
still breathing
Nena
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