Which one of us died tonight

I am currently listening to a new CD its called Enigma-love sensuality devotion it is very strange is is all really earth real music. I like it. My favorite song is "age of loneliness" it is like Indian music mixed with slight techno kind of hard to explain.

I guess I should update my readers on what has been happening in my life right now.

I went on a visit with my mom a couple of weeks ago and I told her everything. I told her so much of what I wanted to tell her when I was younger. I said she was a reminder of what I cant have that she seemed to be in a glass box and she just stood there weeping forever and I could never get to her. I was thinking to myself afterwards what if I was the one that put her in that glass box? I have stood outside that glass box for so long pounding on it only for her to stare at me blankly and gesture that she could not here me. I think I cracked that box when I finally told her how I felt about her, but after when she had left me I felt terrible like I could just lie down and die, I felt as though I had killed someone, did I? She said to me that she wasn't sure she should say that she loved me when we left because I had told her that when she said that she loved I felt as though I was being dragged down to a river that never had a bottom forever drowning, I expected her to get mad at me to scream at but instead she broke down and cried as if someone she loved had died. I get a sharp pain in my heart every time it think about calling her. I never really realized how much I truly loved her until I told her all this. The poison that sat in my heart was seeping through my skin I couldn't stop it it flowed out of me like an unstoppable blood stream. I love her so much I don't want to ever hurt her or anyone like that again, I hurts so bad to even think about all the things I had told her. Some of the things I had told her were things that I had forgiven her for but I had to tell her and when I did it came out of me as if I still hated her for them. I don't think I ever really did hate her I think it was all regret, sorrow, and pain that eventually turned into a deep searing anger. I spit my dragon breath on her and scorched her soul and now I want to take a spear and shove it through my heart. Why do have to feel?
nena