I have not written in a while I know. I wonder.... I don't know what I wonder... I wonder where I would have been right now at this moment if I had not gone to Seattle. If I had not left on Sunday to go see my "parents". If I had not made friends with patches. All these things influenced this moment, sitting here at the computer, typing, even this insignificant action of typing leads up to something, a greater grader plan not just to the end of my life, but to the end of several hundred lives. Life is just this huge plan that we all believe we will never see the end of, what if there is no end? What if, just because that is all humans know is beginning and end that, that is what we expect to happen, that one day all things will end. What if it never ends and we just keep going never running out, or if we as human beings do "run out" or become extinct what will come after us? ...
I want to pour out all my thoughts right now I want to sit here and get all the pent up frustration out of me but it seems to be stuck. My mind to some extent recognizes this frustration but my conscience body will not, refuses to, let this all come out, why is that?
I don't know if I can stay here, the longer I stay the harder it gets to breathe. I know I have my friends, and I know I am being supported to some extent here, but my soul screams for a new start,to run.
I am tired.
I just want to be happy, and no one but me can do that for myself. I want to be surrounded with people that are intelligent, people that can help me with the things I want to helped with, I want to be surrounded by the people I hold dear and people that will inspire me to become a better person. People that will inspire me to learn new things things that either at a younger age my brain thought boring or things I know not a thing about.
I am looking forward to Christmas, but at the same time I know I am going to be lonely.
I already know my parents will not be in the festive mood nor do I have the desire to spend that day with them, I told my friends that we would spend Christmas together but in some way it is not the company my soul screams for even in a small way demands.
this whole thing about staying here for longer then a year is driving me past sanity. I wake up and try to convince myself to stay, I convince myself each morning that soon I will be saved. I want to be saved so badly!!!!!!!!
please save me.
I know my life is not so bad, but this inner turmoil that I go through each day is wearing me down.
I sleep so much that I think I could just lie there on my bed and not ever get up, just sleep for an internity. Is that healthy?
I know what is wrong with me, but it is so hard to fix. I believe that I need someone here with me, but is that so?
do I need to be saved or do I simply just want to be saved and taken away from here because my feet burn and my heart hurts and my soul screams at me?
this constant screaming
"leave, leave or die"
it says to me , but my mind screams at me
it trys to reason
stay, see what it is like, you have to stay...
my mind and should agrue not letting me be at peace
this constant spitting of words
confusing me and fogging my thoughts
I have no where to go but in my dreams. I guess that is why I sleep.. To escape.
tears seem to constantly prick the back of my eyes, but I am not sad, just confused and weary.
I feel as though I am an old decrepit person fighting to die but my soul refuses to go out like a flame
nena
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